After a Year of Bullying, Here’s What Matters Most

I can’t sugar coat this. Several years ago, my son was bullied in school. To his credit, he tried to handle it himself. After all, he has two type-A parents who model self-sufficient behavior and rarely ask for help. Neither did he. Thankfully, he has picked up some of our good habits as well.

Feeling Alone at School

Eventually, he told me how there were times he sat alone at lunch. And that he had no close friends in class. Years of building close friendships met with an influx of new students, sent his good friends scattered to other homerooms. He felt lost.

By early spring, he couldn’t take it anymore. I think it bubbled up inside and exploded. We got a call about an incident at school. He finally defended himself against the bully. His emotions poured out as he cried over the phone. I was out of town. His tears filled with regret and remorse for his actions. I think the months of bullying coupled with my travel were the straw that broke the camel’s back.

He internalized the social struggle and never let on how much he was hurting. To this day, I feel like a terrible mom for not doing more. After I read this article to him and got his blessing to share it, he assured me there was nothing I could have done.

Now, time and honest reflection allow me to see a silver lining. We learned a lot. We learned how resilient our son is. How kind and compassionate he is. And how deeply he values friendship.  Additionally, we knew what to look for in middle school and high school. A timely lesson, I believe.

Missing the Signs of Bullying

In hindsight, I saw the signs. I even asked questions. He assured me time and time again he was ok.  But I noticed how he drug his feet going to school, leaving at the very last minute. A huge change from always leaving 15 minutes early.

His grades suffered, but only in certain classes. Both subjects required extensive writing, so I chalked it up to a dislike for this task. Eventually, I learned that bullying was worse in certain classrooms.

I also learned that he didn’t know he could call us during school hours. He felt trapped. And like many kids, he was reluctant to talk to a counselor because of the stigma. He told me he went to the library to get away. He sat looking out the window towards our home and contemplated making a run for it. 

Finding Comfortable Spaces

On more than one occasion, he said the only places he felt comfortable were church, youth group, and summer camp. Each week, he would rush off with three friends at church. They were inseparable. I would find them sitting in the hallway together waiting for class to start. The bond was evident and strong.

He felt very different at school. I encouraged him to embrace the opportunity to make new friends, but as it turns out, these were not friends.

Sundays were life-giving days for him. I believe he survived the year because of it. But what if we had not made those activities a priority? What if we attended church 1.7 times per month instead? Would he have found this acceptance anywhere else? Or would he have looked for a different, less desirable, outlet?

Suffice to say, I am grateful to our church community and parenting village. My son sees friends and neighbors who model how he should treat others. But I recognize that not everyone has had this kind of experience in church or been treated this way by Christians. (I’m just trying to own that and not gloss over it.)

As for my son, church was the light that he needed each week. A place to build authentic friendships and be himself. He found a light I think all of our kids need. A place where there’s no pressure to score the winning goal or make the top-tiered team.

Scheduling What Matters Most

So how does this relate to living simply? It shows up in my schedule. There is room for what matters most on the calendar.

How do you make room in your schedule? Do any of these make the cut?

• Family game night
• Spontaneous invitations
• Free weekend with zero plans
• Hang out with the neighbors
• Shoot hoops with the kids
• Enjoy a sunset

As I type up our calendar, it’s a pretty simple list. It’s an intentional list factoring in budget and time. There’s margin and our values come first.

Our week starts on Sunday, with church and a day-of-rest. The remainder of the week, we participate in sports and activities but commit to under-scheduling.  Over-scheduled kids are stressed-out. 

The average child today exhibits the same level of anxiety as the average psychiatric patient in the 1950s.  Kids have more toys, clothes, and opportunities than ever but by the time they leave home, they are wrapped tighter than Egyptian mummies.

So, I keep close tabs on my favorite Egyptian mummy. 🙂 I’m doubling down on what matters most. On the one thing that gave my son the strength to survive an anxiety-ridden situation.

I told you we learned a lot that year. My son set the example by honoring our values. Now all I have to do is follow his lead. 🙂

I hope you can carve out time for the things that matter most.  Ask your family what they’d like to do more of or less of. Discuss trade-offs. I promise…. you won’t regret it.

Later, you just might see how very important it was.

Disclaimer: Bullying is a serious topic and I do not consider myself an expert. But I felt that our experience might help other parents to see what the signs of bullying could look like and ways to address it. We partnered with our school to alert them to our concerns and resolve the issue. May 4 is Anti-Bullying Day and October is National Bullying Prevention Month. Check out the National Bullying Prevention Center to learn more.